Stream of Consciousness Saturday · UnSimply She

What She Could Bear

Thank you Linda G. Hill for this week’s SoCS prompt: bear/bare

The heavy desire for sleep evaded her body an hour ago. She still could not bear to get up. She was given the gift of peace this morning. She desperately tried to sleep. Her body ached and she felt her stomach turning. Her body was screaming to start the day but her mind wanted to stay wrapped in sheets, lost in a delicious, Kindle treat.

She decided to satisfy her body and soul: a cup of coffee, eggs of her choice, with the next chapter, on the couch. She could hardly bear her excitement! Every idea, every want, every need was all hers! No one to check in with, argue with, compromise with, or even bribes, or blackmail (the latter tactic was her last resort). She was acting like such a bear lately. Lack of sleep, time, and sanity can make the kindest person a Grizzly. This Mama Grizzly was finally heard. Silence danced everywhere.

She looked at the holiday decorations in the kitchen. The nursery school treasures gave her heart a reminiscent tug every year. Then…. it hit her….. She was alone. Yes, her husband dropped the kids at Grandma’s. He would be back later for their twenty-four hour date. Her stomach flipped. It was no longer hunger speaking to her. It was the  screaming silence making her body ache. Before she knew it the silence would be the norm. Her children will be gone from their home. Her husband may be gone one day too. She may be the “sick” one but that does not guarantee she will go first…

“Be careful what you wish for” she whispered. The foreshadowing silence draped around her like a shroud. Her bare emotions sang a song for her, and her alone….She jumped at the sound of her husband’s keys in the door.

*This piece was inspired by the twisted relationship I have with my family. Sometimes all I wish for is a day to myself. When I am granted that wish, I cry every time the children leave my home. My husband laughs at me and calls me a nut. This is true. This mama bear loves her family so much, and I know nothing lasts forever.

3 thoughts on “What She Could Bear

  1. My kids are older now. My son, who’s been 15 for all of three and a half months, is over six feet tall, and more often acts like an adult than a kid (although he still has goofy times that overflow my heart!). His sister, almost 12 and a half now, is blossoming in all kinds of ways.

    I am keenly aware that they are outgrowing the need for my as support staff, and have already outgrown the need for my constant presence in their lives. We’re a homeschooling family, and we tend to be close – four people who are independent and still orbit one another, intersecting often.

    When they were younger, and I felt that longing for an empty house, my Accomplice would take the kids out one evening a week…the first few months, I would just wander around, lost in my own home, because my orbital satellites weren’t there. Then I went through a time of cleaning like a madwoman, while I could do that without interruptions, and getting snarly when they came home and “messed up all my hard work.”

    These days, I have lots of free time. We’re all home as I type this. My daughter and I just spent a couple of hours hanging out before she went to nap (growth spurt!), my Accomplice is watching movies in the living room, our son is in his room, and I’m in our room with a cat for passive companionship.

    My house is full, but it won’t be in a few years, and I’ve made it a point to be present and savor these last few years of life with children….

    May you be able to do the same….most of the time, anyway!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remind myself to savor this time, even while I pull my hair out! Nothing lasts forever. We never really stay in one place. We have to keep on finding a version of ourselves. I just want to stay in this crazy place for as long as I can. Thank you for stopping by.

      Liked by 1 person

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