Coach is going to the spa for the month of April. My theme for the A to Z Challenge is “Michelle’s Alphabet”. For the month of April I am taking you on a journey through my life. Until recently, I have been reluctant (scared) to share too much about myself unless it was inspired by the Fabulous Fit Mamas. I’m done with fear. I have a story to tell outside of the FFM. I hope you enjoy my musings, opinions, stories, which makes up the alphabet soup of me.
I will not write about fitness during the challenge. Our choices, experiences, and perceptions are entangled in our feelings towards exercise. You will meet me, Michelle, and perhaps you will learn why fitness is my therapy, my curse, my release without me writing about my exercise plan or macros. I really don’t do macros.
My blog post today is about my experience as a trainer. I am easing us into my journey without the FFM, and before my coach/trainer self enjoys a virtual spa with morning yoga and green smoothies. I am excited to read your comments about my blog’s temporary transition. Let’s lace up our soul sneakers and go!
Last Sunday Morning I woke up to a feeling of dread. Spiteful regret whispered in my ear while I slept and I woke up with the bitter taste of “What If”?
Before my second daughter was born, I worked very hard to establish a training career. I wanted something different from all the mama drama playgroups offered. I was odd mama out. I tried to turn my passion for fitness into a career.Well, I worked myself through a circle of Jell-O and got nowhere. I spent way too much time at a gym that only cared about the bottom line. Selling myself out to people was nauseating. Plus, I am not good at it. I spent a lot of time cleaning up and being harassed by a boss who did not like women.
I tried. I created my own class. I taught classes. I tried to propose ideas. I was running in a circle inside of a box.
After a trip to the emergency room early in my second pregnancy, I left the gym. I kept my private training job. It was nice. The respite from the loud gym was lovely.
I still train privately today. I just don’t have that spark. The urge to hustle.
I am petrified to start over again. I do not want to start another career and have it fall flat, again. The future gnaws at my subconscious. I know my children will grow up and then what? If I don’t hustle now, I am afraid of feeling empty later.
I am not a PTA mom. The PTA scares me. Some of my favorite mamas are PTA mavens. I don’t fancy myself as a Mommy Blogger. I am not a mommy’s mommy. I think I am the AntiFitness Blogger Fitness Blogger. As you can see I am having a hard time categorizing myself.
Eventually, the crazy balloon in my gut popped. I could not stand the stench of my own negativity. So what did I do? I laughed with my girls. I helped out the PTA mom. I reached out to the Mommy’s Mommy. I trained my client with enthusiasm. I worked out like a beast. I blogged.
While I am at my lowest, the only place for me to go is up. Until I figure this out, I am going to be as positive as I can. I am ready for a new week, and I am putting this dark soul searching journey on the back burner. I am OK with that.
Now tell me. Are you OK with my branched out blog post? Either way, Michelle’s Alphabet is here on April 1, from A to Z.